Alas, August is upon us! 'Tis the month where we look at our calendar only to discover a few weeks of summer remain- and we have wasted the last 8. But it is also a good month to reflect on the goodies that the music industry has produced and disseminated across radio stations over the course of the summer. And by goodies I mean the cheap taffy that old ladies pass out on Halloween. Ew.
Don't get me wrong, there have been some great songs. "TURN DOWN FOR WHAT". This song does to me what whatever that thing does to Scarlett Johannson in LUCY. But instead of expanding my mental capacity, it expands my dancing capacity. This song reminds me of what it feels like to be on drugs...you know...during my rebellious stage....that one time.
DISCLAIMER: Some of these songs have been on the radio even before the summer started. But you know how that goes, they'll probably be played on the radio for the next 6 months...or years.
So here you have it- The Most Annoying Songs of Summer 2014
5. LET HER GO- PASSENGER. This song takes repetitive redundancy to a fresh, new level. WE GET IT.
"You only need the light when it's burning low, you only miss the sun when it starts to snow, you only feel hot when you've turned off the AC in your car."
The song is merely a series of "if, then" statements or a series of indirect variations. I'm sorry, is this music or a bad attempt at geometry? Let HER go? Please, if you spoke in aloof cliches like that in real life, I would have peaced out before you could say the word "ONLY".
4. REALLY DON'T CARE- DEMI LOVATO. This was actually the inspiration for this blog post. The MC on the radio announced that it was #3 on the charts today...but the tone of his voice sounded like he was in as much shock as I was. I feel like Demi Lovato is trying to go for this punk-chick-I'm-my-own-person-adult thing. But, let's face it, it sounds like she bought these lyrics off of a thirteen year old girl.
"I can't believe I ever stayed up writing songs about you
You don't deserve to know the way I used to think about you"
You don't deserve to know the way I used to think about you"
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| Don't act like any of those tattoos mean anything to you. |
Were you trying to rhyme? Because you didn't. And if you REALLY didn't care...why are you writing a song about it? I'm not sure what's harsher to my ears- the "OH OH OH I REALLY DON'T CARE" or the sound that occurs when I slam the button to the next station. Look, Demi, baby, the tattoos and the leather jackets aren't fooling anyone. You're about as hard-core as banana cream pie....but actually, my grandma's pie is pretty hard-core....so less than that.
3. SING- ED SHEERAN. Oh, Ed, the prostitute-sympathizer that sold his soul to American pop music. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED A Team. It was very...Sheeranesque. But "SING?" It's not him at all. I don't know if this is him trying to reinvent himself....but it's a bad idea. And maybe this is just my opinion, but I agree with Stephen Colbert when he said "opinions are like buttholes in that mine is the best." (I think that applies here.)
Some even dared to say "Sing" sounded like Justin Timberlake. That's like comparing Snow White to Mulan in terms of overall awesomeness (baking a pie for dwarves vs. saving China....tough one.)
2. AM I WRONG- NICO & VINZ. First of all, this song is like 6 minutes long. So, you're going to speed up and cut out half of "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye...but let this song play for the full time. And not only is it longer than all 3 Lord of the Rings movies combined, it just keeps saying the same thing. OVER AND OVER. I feel like Nico...or Vinz...is waiting for someone to respond. Maybe then they would have stopped asking 4 minutes ago. So, to answer your question, YES YOU ARE WRONG. Insert Willy Wonka Meme here.
1. PROBLEM- ARIANA GRANDE. And to top off the charts! One less problem? This song is Pandora's Box for all of my problems! Here is a sample of the lyrics:
"Hey, baby even though I hate ya!
I wanna love ya!
I want you!
And even though I can't forgive you
I really want ta
I want you"
But don't be fooled to think you can just sing the words. OH, NO. Miss Grande took her artistic license and ran away with it. So, as opposed to singing, you actually just breathe and kind of mutter the words, like this:
"Heybab-eventhoughIhateyaIwan-loveya."
Why am I not being paid millions to sigh into a microphone? I'm 5'2'' too!
So, there you have it. The songs that make me want to rip my hair out and punch a small child. So before I give myself a pixie cut or go to jail, I'll be listening to Spotify.
So goodbye Radio, I'll have one less problem without you. I really don't care, and that's just how I feel.
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