Much like books sitting on our bookshelves we bought back when Border's was a thing, sometimes our blogs gather dust, slowly losing relevance in the deepest crevices of the Internet. Here is an easy 4-step guide to resurrecting your online presence for a better, blogger you.
1. Apologize for your writing hiatus. This is key not only in reconnecting with your audience, but also salvaging your ego by reaffirming to yourself that you even had readers in the first place. Make it simple, sincere, but be sure to include a dash of self-aggrandizement. Your apology might look something like this:
"Dear devoted frequenters of fiNESSA, it has been nearly 2 years and four months since my last blog post; I humbly apologize for that prolonged absence. It is cruel that I have deprived you so long from the very fodder that keeps blood moving through your veins."
Notice the sincerity of the apology with the adverb “humbly,” followed by the writer’s assumption that her blog is the highlight of her readers' lives. This writer will not only save face with her readers, but also reinforce her carefully crafted narcissism.
2. Rationalize your actions. The best marriage counselors in the U.S. advise us that no apology is worth saying if you aren’t going to rationalize thereafter.* While you are penitent about your paused period of penmanship, you cannot imagine the panic, pain, and betrayal you have inflicted upon withdrawing from the Web---mainly because you didn’t actually evoke any of those emotions. Nevertheless, you must explain the reasons for your irresponsible behavior.
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| Like I said, the audactiy. |
For example, if I were ever guilty of such a crime, I could suggest that school, friends, family, work, and other endeavors robbed me of any time to compose prose that would brighten your day. Perhaps I have the audacity to say that my recent engagement was a distraction.
Preposterous, I know- to think that events happening in the real world would prevent one from pursuing online endeavors. This goes against psychologists who say that we can find fulfillment from more computer time.** But the great thing is, your reasons need not be legitimate! Just rationalize your way back into your audience’s heart.
*The divorce rate for the clients of these counselors was reported at 75% in 2011 and has increased with each following year.
**Don’t trust my citations.
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| Me wearing fake glasses and not showing my teeth |
3. Give a vague summary to catch them up on the past two years. Since we both know the real reason you didn’t write was because of sheer laziness, the least you can do is let your audience know what’s up. For example, you might nonchalantly mention you served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for a period of 18 months in Nagoya, Japan where you encountered inspiring humans, devoured delightful foods, and built a foundation upon the teachings of Jesus Christ that will help you live more abundantly here on out. (Is this a plug for Mormonism? You tell me.) You might also relate your experiences planning a wedding or acting like an adult (“What is the demographic of the tenants here?”) Whatever you’re up to, try to make your life sound more interesting than it actually is through approved blogging rhetorical devices.
4. Give a weak promise to write more at some point in the future. To re-establish trust with your audience, you need to reassure them that you are here to stay. But don’t let them think you’re all about consistency. Instead, hint that you’ll post again sometime before Christmas...2019.
Stay tuned for a Thanksgiving treat! You know you love me.
XOXO
Gelatin Grill
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