For the past three months, I have been selling trash & recycling services door-to-door in our first state of Delaware. There is a lot that goes into the job of being a door-to-door salesman, but ultimately I end up talking to a lot of strangers. My coworker once told me that we are getting to know America. Well, I feel bad for America! America's full of stubborn, rude, and downright dumb people. (Okay, that's not fair. We DO have Beyonce). But every time a homeowner opens his or her mouth, I be like:
I could probably list 100 phrases spewed from the mouths of homeowners, but I narrowed it down to 8. So here you have it- 8 dumb things that the homeowners of Delaware say.
1. THIS IS A NO SOLICITING NEIGHBORHOOD. DIDN'T YOU SEE THE BIG SIGN WHEN YOU CAME IN?! There are two reasons I love this. 1. Of course I saw the sign. Most of the neighborhoods I work in are ''no soliciting" neighborhoods. You have your signs, and I have mine.
This is my door-to-door salesman license issued by the state of Delaware. I can knock on any door I want to! Maybe not this one, though:
Yikes. I'm not sure what's more absurd: the threat, or the fact that someone typed it, printed it, reinforced it with red construction paper, then taped it to their front door. WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?
The second reason I like when people complain about "no soliciting" is that they always refer to this "big sign" that denotes that no soliciting. Like it's a big white banner. This is what it actually looks like:
So, no- I didn't see the HUGE sign saying you don't want me here.
2. We already have a trash provider. Wait....what? So you're saying that you have lived in this house for 10 years and you've had someone else picking up your trash all this time? You mean to tell me that those green Waste Management cans at the end of your driveway are yours?
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| I feel like memes were invented to describe the door-to-door salesman experience. |
OF COURSE YOU ALREADY HAVE A TRASH PROVIDER. That's why I am here- to sell you a service that's better/cheaper/stronger/faster/whatever you want it to be.
3. Is this you? Sometimes, a customer wants to check their bill/talk it over with their spouse. In this event, I leave them with my card that has my picture on it. At least a few times a day, someone says, "now, is this you?" No, it's Clint Eastwood. I'M STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Can't you see that I bear an uncanny resemblance to the person on that card? WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE?
4. And this is your number? This is usually the follow up question to number 3 that can also be answered merely by an educated assumption. IT SAYS DIRECT LINE, PEOPLE. Or sometimes, the homeowner makes sure to tell me to write down my number. If I wanted the sale, why WOULDN'T I leave you with my number? Some people just don't get it.
5. Do you get credit for this? Okay, I don't even know what that means. Credit? Like, for school? Everytime, someone says credit, I imagine my boss making a tick mark on a whiteboard in his office. There- you get credit for it. Here's a pat on the head and a dollar to get something for the ice cream truck. I think what they're really trying to ask is if I get paid for this. OF COURSE I GET PAID. Do you think I do this for fun?
6. Just be careful out there. When they say this, they kind of stick their head out the door and scan their neighborhood.
Who are you looking for? Voldemort!? If you're so afraid something is going to happen to me, why do you live here anyways? Have I been in sketchy places? Yes. But let's face it- I think someone would notice if the sweaty girl in the ugly yellow polo suddenly went missing. Or at least I hope.
7. Yeah, they're probably not interested. Now, the homeowner doesn't say this, but rather their kid does.
I'm sorry- since when are you an expert on your parents' trash bill? Don't act like you know anything about ANYTHING. Since we're on the topic of teenagers, I have to point out the countless times teenagers have called me ma'am. MA'AM? How old do I look? I am literally 3 years older than you!
8. The Loyalty Speech. AH. I hate this one. I've heard it so often, and its the leading cause for why I can't stand old people. I start giving them my pitch, then they cut me off, "I've been with them for years...I give my trash guy a gift every year [FALSE]....I believe in being loyal.......the price doesn't matter" People will go on about this for MINUTES, which seems like years. If you want loyalty, buy a dog for heaven's sake. We're talking trash, I'm not asking you to betray your country. EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.
So yeah, I have gotten to know America fairly well these past few months. And America is full of
idiots. But don't think about it too much. Just watch this funny video.
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